When your child lies to you, it hurts. As parents, it makes us angry and we take it personally. We feel like we can never trust our child again. Why does lying cause such anger, pain and worry for parents?

James: Parents are understandably very afraid of their children getting hurt and getting into trouble, but they have very little protection against these things as they send their kids out into the world. Kids learn from other kids and from the media, and it makes parents feel unsafe because they can’t control the information and ideas that are being presented to their children.

Let’s face it. Information isn’t just available to our kids; it’s injected into them. Bad ideas are pushed down our kid’s throats by their peers, by some adults, by the media. It’s hard for a parent to keep control of their kids when this is happening, and protect them from their own harmful impulses and dangerous outside influences.

Your Child and Honesty
Your kid’s honesty becomes the connector between what’s happening to him on the outside world and what happens at home. You need him to tell you honestly what happened today, so that you can honestly decide if that’s best for him.

You need to hear that information in order to decide if that’s going to help him meet his responsibilities now –and in the future. When parents don’t get the right information, they’re afraid they’ll make the wrong choices for their kids.

When your kid lies, you start to see him as “sneaky,” especially if he continues to lie to you. You feel that he’s going behind your back, that he’s undermining you. We begin to think that our kids are “bad.” We make the connection that if lying is bad, liars are bad. It’s just that simple.

Parents should hold their kids responsible for lying. But the mistake parents make is when they start to blame the kid for lying. It’s considered immoral to lie. But when you look at your kid like he’s a sneak and an operator who’s undermining your authority, it’s a slippery slope that starts with “You lie” and ends up at “You’re a bad person.”

I think that perception of your kid promotes more lying. If your child thinks you think he’s “bad,” he’s going to hide the truth from you even more, because he doesn’t want be bad. Even though they are lying, kids don’t want to disappoint their parents.

Q: Let’s look at it from the child’s perspective. What’s going in on a child’s mind when they lie to their parents?

James: Say you’re driving on the interstate and the speed limit is 65 mph. You know that if you drive 65 mph on the interstate, that’s the slowest anyone drives, and people fly by you, honk at you and call you names.

So you go 75 miles an hour…and a policeman stops you. He says, “Ms. Jones, how fast were you driving?” And most people say, “Sixty five.” Or, “I thought I was doing sixty five, officer, or maybe a little over sixty five.”

Why are people dishonest like that? Because they understand that driving fast is forbidden. But they don’t understand that it’s hurtful. We understand that it’s wrong to drive that fast and there are consequences. But we don’t understand that it really hurts anybody and that it puts people at risk.

It’s the same with kids. They know lying is forbidden. But they don’t see it as hurtful. Not the way that parents see it as hurtful.

So a kid will say, “I know it’s wrong that I ate a sugar snack when I’m not supposed to. But who does it hurt?” “I know it’s wrong that I traded my dried fruit for a Twinkie. But it doesn’t really hurt anybody. I can handle it. What’s the big deal?” That’s what the kid sees.

When they don’t see it as hurtful, there are two different value systems operating: the family’s value system that says this is forbidden and the kid’s value system that says if it’s not hurting anybody, what do you care? The kid rationalizes his actions and justifies his behavior with the idea that it doesn’t hurt anybody. The outcome is a dishonest

Recently, I talked with the mother of a 16-year-old girl on the Parental Support Line about her daughter’s behavior outside of the house. This mom had just begun the Total Transformation program, but had questions about how to use its techniques to make her daughter follow the rules when she was away from home. “In some ways,” she said, “I wonder if it’s too late for my daughter. She’s smart and caring, and she gets good grades. She’s not violent or abusive, but she’s always been willful.

Most of the time, she just does whatever she wants. We don’t like her friends very much – none of them want to go to college or work, and she’s starting to act and talk like them. How can I make her follow my rules when she’s out on her own? I have to find some way of controlling her so she doesn’t ruin her life.”

Many parents wish they could ensure that their children behave according to their family’s values and rules when they are outside the home. While it’s a common wish, know that it’s not necessarily realistic. Your child will encounter different rules and different levels of acceptable behavior once they leave your home – whether it’s at school, or if it happens when they leave the nest for good.

The fact is, it’s not possible (or healthy) to have your child under your control at all times. And, although it’s difficult for many parents to come to terms with, there is a limit to how much you can enforce – after all, your child will make their own choices, and they are ultimately responsible for their own behavior. This does not mean that you are powerless, however.

Protect Your Kids: Issues of Safety and What You Should Control
You can’t always control your child’s choices, but that doesn’t mean you have to let them do everything they want or that you can’t give consequences for rule violations. This is especially true when it comes to issues of your child’s safety.

If you are concerned that your child is using drugs or alcohol, or is engaging in physically dangerous or illegal acts, you need to do what you have to in order to keep them safe. That may mean requiring drug or alcohol treatment, or enforcing a limited curfew. If your child is trying to date someone before they are old enough, or they want to date someone who is too old for them, make sure you are double checking that any group activity is supervised by a parent you know and do your best to host social events.

If you find your child has gone out at night and is participating in very risky behaviors, involve the help of your local police department each and every time you discover your child has left your home during the night. Let your child know that they are unsafe and you will do anything it takes to keep them safe.

In this article, we will be addressing what you can and can’t do to control activities that are at odds with your family rules and values, not issues that put your child in physical danger.

Your Child’s Choices
Just because your child makes choices that you don’t agree with outside the home, doesn’t mean you need to tolerate their choices inside your home. You always have the right to control what happens inside your house. Be clear and direct about your household rules. And keep in mind that your family rules can actually have some bearing on the choices your child makes when he or she is away from you.

If you want your child to make different choices outside of your home, focus on the behavior you’d like her to change, and relate them to a household rule. For example, if you want your child to have a part-time job, you might tell her:

* “In order to be allowed use of the family car, you need to maintain a part-time job. I’ll help you find one, if you’d like.”
* “You can earn money by doing chores at home, or you can get a job outside of the house. That choice is up to you, but not working is not an option.”

If your child quits or loses her job, you can give her a consequence for that, while also helping her learn the skills she needs to be successful in the workforce. Those skills might include being on time, being professional, or finishing assigned tasks.

I Don’t Like My Child’s Friends
Many parents have concerns about the kids their children spend time with. When you present your expectations or rules to your child, don’t make it into an argument about whether she should make her friends her top priority or not. When you try to talk your child out of her friendships, the end result is often a deepening of those friendships – it’s not a battle you are likely to win. So stay focused on the rules, and how they relate to your household.

For example, you may require that your child does not go out on school nights and has a curfew on the weekends. Sometimes this alone will end these friendships because the other kids are hanging out on school nights and staying out very late on the weekends.

Differences in House Rules
Parents often talk about the differences in house rules on the Parental Support Line. If you have a rule in your home of no video games, but your child has access to games at friends’ houses, have a frank discussion about the difference in rules. Be sure to let your child know that you’re not changing your rules, you’d just like to hear from him about his experience. Don’t assume that your child would rather have the games than not.

When you keep the lines of communication open, you encourage a dialogue that may help your child – and you – learn. Ask your child what it’s like to have the “no-game” rule at home, and access to games elsewhere. You might ask, “Do you notice a difference in how you play with your friends when you’re over here, versus at their houses?” Or even: “What’s it like playing those games?”

If you are concerned about your child’s video game playing at other’s houses, you can say, “I know that Tim and Luke play video games after school. In our family, we have a rule against video games, so you don’t have my permission to go to their houses anymore. You’re welcome to have them over here, though.”

If you discover your child had managed to get into an R rated movie with a friend, you might tell him he can’t spend time with friends outside of your home next weekend. You could use that opportunity to host an appropriate social event with your child, his friends and your family.

Why Does My Child Defy Me?
Parents often wonder how their child can behave so differently outside of the home. Remember that part of being a teen is trying new things. Keep in mind that many times for your child it’s actually more about the activity than it is about an attempt to defy you as a parent.

If you find that your child has disobeyed the family rules outside the home, keep the lines of communication open. Rather than give lectures, discuss the choices your child is making, and how they relate—or don’t relate— to family rules and expectations. In this way, you continue to communicate your family’s rules and values while realizing your child’s need to experience the world for themselves.

When they disobey your rules, there may be a natural consequence for their choice, or you can impose one. Kids caught smoking on school grounds receive consequences at school.Those caught smoking in town can receive a citation from the police. Have your child pay any fines themselves and serve school detentions. You can let your child know that any cigarettes found in your home will be thrown away and if you smell cigarettes in your car when they borrow it, they lose access to the car for a specific, short period of time.

Play the Coach
One of your primary roles as a parent is that of a coach. As James Lehman explains in the Total Transformation Program, you are the “trainer” for the skills your child needs to learn to become a responsible, accountable adult. As James says, “It’s your job to teach, and your child’s job to learn.”

You can’t do all the learning and practicing for your child. You can’t legislate what they will do outside of your home, or how well they will use the tools you’ve given them. For better or for worse, your children will make choices you wish they wouldn’t. They will get hurt; they will make mistakes. All the control in the world won’t stop that.

You can’t always choose for them. But you can use your role as the primary coach and teacher in your child’s life to teach them the skills they need to help get back up when they do, inevitably, fall down. By keeping the lines of communication open, you’re teaching your child to consider the choices they are making, and the effect those choices will have.

By enforcing the rules in your own home, and giving consequences designed to help them practice new behaviors, you’re helping your child learn practical, useful skills they will need as they go out into the world. Remember, your child is ultimately responsible for his or her own behavior. Your true empowerment as a parent lies in your ability to teach and coach your child so that they will be able to make the right choices later on.

Self-Esteem is a word often used in connection with good mental health, but rarely is it explained how we get poor self-esteem and how we cultivate good self-esteem. Good self-esteem means to hold oneself in high esteem, feeling worthy of a good life and good treatment by others. Good self-esteem helps protect children from the traps they are exposed to growing up in our modern society.

How to Build Self-Esteem

• Accept your child as a separate human being with emotions that are important. Allow them to have their own feelings and express them. Listen to their feelings as much as what they say and paraphrase it back to them. Being an empathetic parent develops an empathetic child who will then grow into being an empathetic adult that is sensitive to others and is capable of good relationships.
• Praise your child for what they do well. Sometimes parents refrain from praise because they fear their child will get a big ego. That is not the case, children are anxious to learn what to do right and by your praise you give them guidance and approval. Respond to their successes with small celebrations and comfort and encourage them when they fail.
• Tell your children you love them just the way they are and hug them often. Remember children hear your tone of voice more than your words, so speak to them with respect and loving kindness.
• Children learn from the examples in their life, telling them what to do is not nearly as effective as being a good example and a positive role model. Children learn respect by observation, show them and others respect and they will follow your example.
• Start your child learning developmentally appropriate decision making skills, start with letting them pick between a few choices of which toy they will take in the car with them, and then as they get older choices about what to wear, on a cold day allow them to pick between two warm outfits and as they get older widen the choices so that they will be able to pick out their own outfits. As they mature more complex decisions will lead to more in depth decision making conversations that include the possible choices and the consequences, costs, advantages and disadvantages of each choice. In the process allow them to make mistakes that are harmless so that they can learn from mistakes also.
• When disciplining them differentiate the behavior from the child. Do not label the child with name calling, but you might say, “I didn’t like it when you ______” rather than “You are really stupid.”
• Talk with them about their day, listen and ask questions with interest. Have them read to you and show you their school work.
• Get your children involved in healthy activities like sports, music and dance. Attend their activities.
• Don’t lean on your children emotionally and have them take care of you. Allow them to lean on you for support.
• Let them know what is expected of them in social situations but don’t make them act like little adults in every situation.

Self Respect

Self esteem results from self respect and respect from others. Self respect includes competence, confidence, mastery, achievement, independence and freedom. Respect from others includes recognition, acceptance, status, and appreciation. Healthy self-esteem is a realistic appraisal of one’s capacities and begins with deserved respect from others.

When these needs are not met, a child grows up feeling discouraged, weak and inferior. He or she is then vulnerable to finding other ways of being accepted outside of the family and is then susceptible to looking for acceptance from other groups like gangs and is vulnerable to peer pressure and acquiring feelings of acceptance through sex, drugs and alcohol.

Positive self-esteem means having confidence, a child knows who they are in the world and does not have to fit in to be accepted. Encourage them toward college and career. When children feel confident and capable growing up and hold a vision of a satisfying future they are less likely to get into trouble that could prevent them from reaching their goals in life.

In applying these principles to raising children during stressful times might include:

1. Shield your child from overly harsh conditions, that is, excessive emotional expression, otherwise known as adult “melt-downs.”

2. Make sure your child is getting plenty of good healthy food and exercise.

• While they may get junk food at school, rid your home of such foods as much as possible.
• Have weekly junk-food raids and throw out chips, cookies, candy etc. that get brought in by various factions.
• After dinner, bundle up and take an evening walk with your child.Keep the conversation “positive” on your end, point out he beautiful sunset, talk about natural forces and make comparisons to how storms clear up and then the sun comes out.
• If they bring up concerns, ask questions first to understand them (crucial), then address their concern (not yours). Then ask them to summarize what you’ve discussed so you can be sure you know the conclusions they are taking to bed.

3. While parental arguments are likely to be increased during stressful times, let your children see both sides.

• If you’ve shown them your angry side, be sure to show that how to make peace and resume your loving, caring ways with your partner.
• If you can’t find resolution with your partner, have the courage to see a counselor, a spiritual adviser, or a family elder and ask for direction.
• Above all, put aside your pride, get help to make peace in your home and show your children that stress does not need to result in weeks of a parent sleeping on the sofa.

4. No matter what – do not pull children into disagreements with other parent(s).

• Let them be children and stay out of it until the issue is resolved.
• If they try to step in (and the usually will) politely ask them to let the adults resolve it with statements such as, “We’ll let you know when we need your help. Right now, this is an adult issue and we will figure it out. You’ll be the first to know what we decide.”
• If the issue involves them, well – that’s a whole different matter. Bedtime might be such an issue, or a curfew and school performance.
• One way to calm things down with children is to slow them down. Getting input on paper helps slow things down. Get your children’s ideas and suggestions in writing.It will lower the noise level in the room, which will help calm everyone.
• Writing will force everyone to focus, which pulls energy into thinking rather than just feeling. Writing will help kids get clear in their mind, practice their language skills and be more realistic than when they are allowed to shout out their emotional desires.
• Adults then can gather all written proposals, review them carefully, and keep plenty of time to “decide.”
• When you decide, let them win the smaller isses and make sure you win the larger issues. Conceeding with smaller issues lets them know that they have a voice, they can exert personal power and have some control over some things. More control leads to less anxiety. If they get to eat corn instead of green beans, what do you care?
• Meanwhile, continue with the daily or evening routine and schedule a time to resume talks about the anxiety-producing topic.

5. If your children get exposed to adult outbursts of emotion, explicit television-based emotion, or other unpredictable triggers for excessive nervous system reactivity, do what you can to come back around and “cover them.”

• Cover your children with consistent daily and bedtime routines that include soothing and comforting statements.
• Mention your concern and love for them, and remind them that they can count on you even if you too, are frightened.
• Most of all, they need to know that you are there, they can hang onto you, and you will protect them. Your presence is crucial, whether it is your physical or simply your emotional focus on them.